Metal Meredith

or ‘It is about time’

Last week, I came down with a little “back end” sickness. When my mother called, I was unable to answer the phone. So I called her back shortly after. I told her that I didn’t feel well. Her only question to me was, “Are you pregnant?”

I had a feeling that the questions would start soon, but I had no idea it would be so blatant. Truthfully? I am not feeling ‘it’ when considering having another child. In my fantasy life, the one where all of my bills are paid and I am thin, I have 4 or 5 kids. Of course, there are also magical nannies that never get on my nerves but always keep my kids happy while I blissfully fulfill all my greatest dreams never once feeling the guilt of motherhood.

But in truth, I write this as Vivienne is on hour two of television for the day, standing and fidgeting on my foot, leaning on my arm annoyingly while I try to type this. I am so bored of this job. It is not something I take lightly or I expect anyone who isn’t in the same position to understand or sympathize with. However, it causes me to question on a daily basis whether or not I am cut out for this.

I can describe it in many ways, but the easiest is to compare it to having an irrational, uncompromising, tantrum-prone boss who doesn’t value you at all. Then, add to this job the incredible hours of 7am to 9pm with side work and closing chores each day. Doesn’t that sound like a ball? If you factor in the reality that you CANNOT quit this job, it starts to feel more like suffocating than living.

I realize this sounds harsh. I also realize that I am not factoring the joys. Some days they are too many to count, others they are well hidden and require the skills of the most capable tracker to hunt down. Vivienne is darn lucky we discovered that ponytails made her so darn cute this weekend, as it was her only saving grace. (For anyone who doesn’t know me, I don’t feel the need to tell you how much I love my child. It should be plainly obvious by reading any previous posts.)

While working out if and when we would consider having #2, I started having second thoughts about wanting to go through this again at all. These haven’t been an easy two years. After shaking the post partum depression on month 5 of Vivienne’s life, I had the other factors of losing my job, being a full time at home mom, and Phil starting his own business. I am unsure if these are adding to it, but I can’t ignore that they are there. 

I have friends who are on child #3 and they want more, my two closest friends aren’t going to have any. I am truthfully falling somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to leave Vivienne hanging when it comes to having a brother or sister, but it seems that I am just not interested in doing this again. In the end, we might have to take the ‘wait and see’ approach. Let nature take its course and whatever happens will happen.

This will not be a popular choice with the Grandparents, I am sure my mother is sitting with mouth agape at this very moment. Hopefully, in the next year Vivienne will turn into a little angel and change my mind. Don’t hold your breath though, I certainly am not.