Metal Meredith

I never wanted to have kids when I was a teenager. I thought I couldn’t remove myself from my selfish behavior enough, nor could I share my future husband with anyone else. After I met Phil, I changed my mind. He was just cute enough that I wanted to see what we could make.

When pregnant with Vivienne, I very much wanted to glow. I wanted to be beautiful, sexy pregnant woman who wasn’t afraid to show her big ol’ stomach to the world. None of those things happened either. I was sick, I felt gross and ugly the entire time. I was exhausted and nauseous for most of the 9 months. So why would someone do that again, you ask? I have no idea. But we are.

I would love to say that seeing that positive test result filled me with joy and anticipation, but it didn’t. I would love to say that I am so looking forward to expanding my family, but I am not. Right now, it is just a fight to survive the next 7 months without getting sick each morning, without turning into a giant ball of acne, without replacing a smile with a series of yawns. I cannot look forward enough to decide what we will do with Vivienne when the time comes to go to the hospital. We haven’t given one second of thought to a nursery, to gadgets and gear, to child proofing and storage space.

As Vivienne grows older, I knew that I would find less things appealing about having a newborn, sleep deprivation, the ‘blob’ stage. And I have. It was a matter of ‘now or never’ rather than ‘when’. Vivienne impresses me each day with the things she says, information she retains and talks about later and her daily challenges for independence. When I told her she was going to be a big sister, she asked me what the baby’s name is. I had to tell her I didn’t know yet. She asked me if it was a boy or girl. Again I told her I didn’t know. She told me that we would “talk later about it more”. Um, sure.

So, if anyone would like to volunteer to come clean my house, make my family meals, play with my kid, and just generally take over for me for the next 6 or so months, I would appreciate it. Until then, I will just be curled up in my bed with a milkshake, cheese, pickles and some ginger ale.

I haven’t been doing much blogging lately because it seems my life has become all about survival. Not the kind where I am battling wild animals or trying to beat a deadly disease, but the kind when I am just going through the paces toward the next thing into the next day.

Vivienne has just come out of her post-illness (yes, I mean the one about a month ago) funk. It seems it took this long to get out all the crabbiness, constant whining and unhappiness, tantrum-inducing ugliness that has plagued her since then. A few days ago she had a giant tantrum that I think really affected everyone, even her. Quickly after she realized that no one was paying attention to her, she calmed down and asked me if I noticed that she wasn’t crying anymore. Well, yes I had. But I wasn’t going to ler her know that.

We went along, business as usual and better for the incident. Now she is happier, sleeping better and even *shhhh* pooping on a regular basis. Not only is all cheery, but she has been strutting her stuff in underpants and not diapers for a good 4 weeks now. She thinks it is really cool (her words) to shake her panty clad backside in the mirror. That’s my girl!

Phil has been working a lot, trying to get these new things going (stay tunes!). Apparently I am not the only one that thinks he is really cool, his posts on my site got many many comments. In fact, he put a link to my site in his latest newsletter that got 11 comments. Jerk. Perhaps he should guest-author more often?

I am just trying to get things done around the house. After completing all the big things in the bathroom, my next house project is completion of the kitchen floor. In the meantime, I have to clean out my entire office and use an enzyme cleaner to get all traces of cat smell out. Friedrich, my boy cat, thinks the whole room is litter box and is deeply affected by the ghost of Kitcha.

Vivienne is giving me the best mother’s day present by staying in Williamsburg until Tuesday afternoon. She will come home all hyper and backed up. It might take me another week to get it all straightened out again, but it is worth it for 48 hours in the house without her. 

Phil Rocks.

I found myself this week thinking about Phil’s work again. Over the past few weeks he has redesigned his website, he has won accolades and money from the software he uses, and now has been asked to speak at an event about his business and how he does it effectively.

I tell him quite often how proud I am, but in times of dwindling bank accounts and creditors calling, it falls on deaf ears. At least when I say it here, the whole rest of the world hears it, too. It makes it that much more real.

Phil is a giant pit of ideas. Cristina from Right Angle and office-mate of his, tells me often how impressed she is with his ability to come up with decent ideas time after time. I could not agree more. I know that even in the lowest times, there is something wonderful right around the corner that will help him step in the right direction.

Everyone warned us about how the first year in a business was the hardest. When that one year mark passed, we waited for the money to fall from the sky and held our breath for greener pastures only to have the same people say “Oh, no, we meant the first FIVE years.” So now we are waiting for the number two year mark to pass, quickly.

Although things are tight, I still feel like we are moving in the right direction. Phil comes up with another new approach on a monthly basis, weaning out the ones that don’t turn out quite as well as grasping on to the ones that give us both hope. I was shocked last week when I asked Phil if he would continue to work if he won the lottery and he responded, without hesitation, “YES!”

Anyway, I think he is the bees knees. Apparently, I am not the only one.

I just had to share these because I am so happy they turned out well.

She is the goofball in the middle acting all silly (yellow shirt.) Her good friend Sam is the second from the right on the bottom.