Metal Meredith

I never wanted to have kids when I was a teenager. I thought I couldn’t remove myself from my selfish behavior enough, nor could I share my future husband with anyone else. After I met Phil, I changed my mind. He was just cute enough that I wanted to see what we could make.

When pregnant with Vivienne, I very much wanted to glow. I wanted to be beautiful, sexy pregnant woman who wasn’t afraid to show her big ol’ stomach to the world. None of those things happened either. I was sick, I felt gross and ugly the entire time. I was exhausted and nauseous for most of the 9 months. So why would someone do that again, you ask? I have no idea. But we are.

I would love to say that seeing that positive test result filled me with joy and anticipation, but it didn’t. I would love to say that I am so looking forward to expanding my family, but I am not. Right now, it is just a fight to survive the next 7 months without getting sick each morning, without turning into a giant ball of acne, without replacing a smile with a series of yawns. I cannot look forward enough to decide what we will do with Vivienne when the time comes to go to the hospital. We haven’t given one second of thought to a nursery, to gadgets and gear, to child proofing and storage space.

As Vivienne grows older, I knew that I would find less things appealing about having a newborn, sleep deprivation, the ‘blob’ stage. And I have. It was a matter of ‘now or never’ rather than ‘when’. Vivienne impresses me each day with the things she says, information she retains and talks about later and her daily challenges for independence. When I told her she was going to be a big sister, she asked me what the baby’s name is. I had to tell her I didn’t know yet. She asked me if it was a boy or girl. Again I told her I didn’t know. She told me that we would “talk later about it more”. Um, sure.

So, if anyone would like to volunteer to come clean my house, make my family meals, play with my kid, and just generally take over for me for the next 6 or so months, I would appreciate it. Until then, I will just be curled up in my bed with a milkshake, cheese, pickles and some ginger ale.