Metal Meredith

Tomorrow is Vivienne’s final day as a preschooler and I am a ball of contradicting emotions. I have spent the last 3 weeks trying to work out how I am feeling and why each of those feelings deserves its own place in my mind.

Of course, I am a little bit sad that my baby girl is big enough to begin Kindergarten in the fall. Who wouldn’t be, right? Has it been 3 years since we watched her walk alone into that school? It amazes me how long ago that seems but it isn’t that long at all. It reminds me of looking in the rear view mirror where things look closer than they really are. Somehow, when I look back, it seems like a few months ago. But in reality, it was before Henry, just into the new house, just into Phil’s new company. So very far away.

2005:

My sadness is clouded by a feeling of dread looking forward to the summer. The 4 hours I spend with Vivienne each day is enough to keep me busy. Adding another 8 onto it scares the crap out of me. She is just starting to play with Henry, but if the feeling isn’t right, it is constant and unrelenting squabbles. There is a level of competition in her mind that balances ever-so-slightly on the fact that she gets more, bigger and better things that Henry does. If she doesn’t, she grills Phil and I about our choices and decisions on the matters of why did Henry get a snack, why didn’t she get more drink, why does he get to pick the movie.

I am thrilled at the step into Kindergarten and Henry’s few mornings out at the school. I am overjoyed to the point of giddiness at my upcoming 6 hours a week by myself. I just have to make it through the next 3 months. Vivienne will have so much fun in school, especially with the art, music and library. She is so excited to ride a school bus and even make new friends. I am looking forward to her making some friends in the neighborhood and close to home.

2006:

But mostly, it feels like the end of an era for me. Although this was all about my kid, I have made some friends in the school, too. I go to dinner with 4 women that I never in my mind had anything in common with. Somehow, we talk about things from 7pm until past 1030pm on the nights we go out. We probably could talk for much longer if we could keep our eyes open. And although we promise to keep in touch and get together over the summer, I can’t help but think that things just won’t be the same. That this is truly the end of those close relationships that have kept me sane and enabled me to learn and share and get immediate feedback about the latest child induced stress. Will this happen again during Vivienne’s school days?

When I pick her up on Friday, I am sure that I won’t be crying or saying long farewells. Truth be told, she will be back in a week for summer camp. I will be there over the summer working on websites and forums and newsletters. I will be in touch and the school doesn’t really shut down, so I won’t have to worry about never going back. But in the corners of my mind, I am in a constant state of emotional flux and probably will be until we are in the throes of summer and I just don’t have any time to look in that mirror anymore.

2007: