Metal Meredith

Tomorrow is Vivienne’s final day as a preschooler and I am a ball of contradicting emotions. I have spent the last 3 weeks trying to work out how I am feeling and why each of those feelings deserves its own place in my mind.

Of course, I am a little bit sad that my baby girl is big enough to begin Kindergarten in the fall. Who wouldn’t be, right? Has it been 3 years since we watched her walk alone into that school? It amazes me how long ago that seems but it isn’t that long at all. It reminds me of looking in the rear view mirror where things look closer than they really are. Somehow, when I look back, it seems like a few months ago. But in reality, it was before Henry, just into the new house, just into Phil’s new company. So very far away.

2005:

My sadness is clouded by a feeling of dread looking forward to the summer. The 4 hours I spend with Vivienne each day is enough to keep me busy. Adding another 8 onto it scares the crap out of me. She is just starting to play with Henry, but if the feeling isn’t right, it is constant and unrelenting squabbles. There is a level of competition in her mind that balances ever-so-slightly on the fact that she gets more, bigger and better things that Henry does. If she doesn’t, she grills Phil and I about our choices and decisions on the matters of why did Henry get a snack, why didn’t she get more drink, why does he get to pick the movie.

I am thrilled at the step into Kindergarten and Henry’s few mornings out at the school. I am overjoyed to the point of giddiness at my upcoming 6 hours a week by myself. I just have to make it through the next 3 months. Vivienne will have so much fun in school, especially with the art, music and library. She is so excited to ride a school bus and even make new friends. I am looking forward to her making some friends in the neighborhood and close to home.

2006:

But mostly, it feels like the end of an era for me. Although this was all about my kid, I have made some friends in the school, too. I go to dinner with 4 women that I never in my mind had anything in common with. Somehow, we talk about things from 7pm until past 1030pm on the nights we go out. We probably could talk for much longer if we could keep our eyes open. And although we promise to keep in touch and get together over the summer, I can’t help but think that things just won’t be the same. That this is truly the end of those close relationships that have kept me sane and enabled me to learn and share and get immediate feedback about the latest child induced stress. Will this happen again during Vivienne’s school days?

When I pick her up on Friday, I am sure that I won’t be crying or saying long farewells. Truth be told, she will be back in a week for summer camp. I will be there over the summer working on websites and forums and newsletters. I will be in touch and the school doesn’t really shut down, so I won’t have to worry about never going back. But in the corners of my mind, I am in a constant state of emotional flux and probably will be until we are in the throes of summer and I just don’t have any time to look in that mirror anymore.

2007:

But only if there are no boys there!

The Super Spy Book

GIRLS ONLY!

I am not sure why I can’t escape it this time. Since Henry was born, I seemed to have either been more sick when I get sick, or I am getting the same ailment more than once in a short time span. And dammit, it just isn’t fair.

This time, I had that same miserable fever and aches virus that lasted another 48 hours. I just had it 3 weeks ago. I spent 2 evenings in bed, on top of a heating pad, under 4 layers of blankets and 3 layers of clothing. I don’t remember much, but I do recall many hallucinations about meatballs, the Sunny Patch Friends, Lost, The Hamptons, movie producing and Republican Conspiracies. I kept yelling out how I wasn’t entertaining Lost theories while I was so sick. Who was I yelling to? Myself.

While others are able to treat sickness with a hefty dose of sleep and drugs, I lie awake and unable to sleep. These viruses send my brain into overtime. It is nearly impossible to turn it off. Each time my eyes droop closed, my brain starts in on theories and solving problems and putting out fires. Not ones that might save the world, no. These are more like how to get the actor to respond to thoughts on the commercial I am shooting. Or how my stomach actually hurts because Republicans have kidnapped me and inserted some sort of internal tracking device that makes me hard and unfeeling. (No really, I seriously had that one, I am not trying to create drama here!)

It also seems that no amount of over the counter drug can help me. Those are the times that I curse my need to destroy all narcotic prescriptions as they are no longer needed. How I wish I had that Codeine to make me pass out. I wanted to feel no pain!

Happily, I am one entire day free of a fever now. The aches and pains are all but gone with exception of a dull throat ache. Phil stepped up to the plate and not only worked on his own projects, but kept the children alive and thriving, made goodie bags for Vivienne’s “School Birthday” and took them to Target to get Icees. He is a good man, that one.

As usual, I am spending a good several hours of alone on Mother’s Day. Not because I am being punished, but because this is part of my gift. Hooray!

This morning, I was greeted with a gaggle of little gifts and Vivienne requesting to make me a special breakfast. Instead, Vivienne and I both cooked Coconut Encrusted French Toast. We had so much fun cooking together. She was very impressed with what she had made.

A funny thing has been happening lately. For every day that Vivienne is a turd to her little brother, there is a day when she plays with him by chasing him around, helping him slide or push his truck. She has started helping him into her baby stroller and then pushing him around the house. He loves it! Last weekend, she spent a good 20 minutes pulling him in the wagon around the back yard. I am not sure what the change is that has helped this occur, but I am not complaining.

I know better than to wish for siblings that never fight or are ridiculously close. I do hope for siblings that enjoy each other more than not. Her recent actions lead me to think that maybe there is hope that they will spend a brief period playing together before Henry gets too unruly or Vivienne gets too sophisticated. She is almost a Kindergartner, you know.

Although I am so wonderfully happy to have my kids, I am giddy at the prospect of having my computer back by the middle of this week. That is possibly the best gift of all today. Although, sitting her in the quiet would be a very close second.