Metal Meredith

Not only have I sent my darling daughter (insert snicker here) off to Kindergarten this year, but I have to be an adult now and go have a conference with her teacher. How the hell did I arrive at this point?

Sure, I volunteer at the preschool and ok, I have done lunch duty in the Elementary School cafeteria, but this is a teacher. What is that? Yes, I do have friends that teach. It isn’t that I am not old enough, it is that I don’t feel old enough. I mean, how am I old enough that someone could take me seriously as a parent? To sit down and have a conversation about how she is doing with her writing and comprehension, without feeling like someone is playing a prank on me?

Of course, last Sunday I bleached my hair and then freaked out when I realized I had to go be taken seriously by this teacher. I scrambled to have it re-dyed, “fixed” as it were. Sadly, it looked even worse in a lovely Ronald McDonald red-orange shade. I managed to tone it down in the slightest way with some brown on top, but it is still clearly not normal. This isn’t something new, as I accidentally dyed my hair pink when I was being promoted to floor manager at Ruby Tuesday. I bleached it and then it became pink when I was promoted to manager at Starbucks. There were blue streaks when I bought my first house and now, it is ruby red when I have to be a responsible parent.

Do you see a trend? I do. I am guessing that although I don’t plan it out, I am sabotaging my own grown-up-ness. I would have a field day if I started in on my tattoos. I am smart enough to know what all of this is for. If I am so hell bent on not being average, but I still want to not be the center of attention, what is a girl to do but continually ‘mess up’ when trying to innocently dye my hair?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do this all on purpose. But once I am faced with yellow hair in the mirror, the oh-shit reaction kicks in and I start to get that feeling in my stomach like I have had too many Diet Cokes and then went on some spinny rides. It is the same feeling of doing something really stupid or knowing that one day you will get caught. I hope I don’t get in trouble for impersonating a parent.